Blog
2025-11-09: Feeling better. Also ended up distro-hopping to Fedora KDE on all my systems since discovering how to get mulimedia codecs working properly. Idk why i go ham on stuff like that when I'm not feeling well, but I do!
I also learned how RSS works last night and I have started following some indie web RSS feeds. Very handy stuff.
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2025-11-07: Maybe some of the moodiness and malaise I've felt this week has been a sign that I was veering into illness. Woke up today with some flulike stuff going on.
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2026-11-06: Yeah so today hasn't been great either. At this point, I'm just ready for this week to be over and done with. [edit: visiting with onio at onio.cafe was a highlight of my day. Thanks for being around to chat 🥺]
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2025-11-05: I let myself get very, very dehydrated at work yesterday and have been miserable. And kept busy enough today that I have not properly hydrated to recover. Gonna pour myself some ice water to redress that after I write this up
I've also been very moody. I'm sure being dehydrated, having a headache, and not having lunch until late in the afternoon and not having breakfast didn't help. Hopefully I get along better tomorrow.
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2025-11-03: After a couple days of being (perhaps unduly) anxious about accepting the invite, I finally opened the Discord invite link for that DnD group.
I am coming to terms with a lifetime of struggling with rejection-sensitive dysphoria. Basically, after getting that link, I spent a couple days feeling like the image above. Zero reason to assume folks would have an issue with me; much the opposite, I am a longtime friend of the DM who has tried to get me involved for years, and I got along great with the other players who attended. Yet, something about tabletop games just make me feel like I am going to make some intractable mistake that will make people hate me. I panic when I need to improvise, I am not terribly confident in my ability to roleplay a character, and I am atrocious at math.
I know this pang of rejection is coming from an irrational place, one which reflects trauma from ~15 to ~20 years ago. One that nobody in this party was responsible for. I'd bet some of them have been through similar things too, just from the little tidbits I got from Saturday. They seem like decent folks. When I expressed my anxieties about joining, they met that with a great deal of encouragement as folks excited to introduce someone new to their favorite hobby. If I were bringing someone onto something like, say, flight simming, I'd feel the same way.
Intimidating as it may be, I think this is something I need to try and do. Even if it turns out that I am not the biggest fan of the game and bow out after a one-shot, I need to face this fear. It's part of a larger pattern of behavior that has held me back for entirely too long, one I am taking deliberate steps to try and correct.
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2025-11-02: So, I was one of the only people to wear a costume to that wedding reception. "Costumes not required, but encouraged" did not entice very many of the attendees. I committed to the bit though and made a fun first impression with my friend's friends. I may be joining their DnD group. If any of you are here to check out my webpage, hai hai hello!